Handsome Prince Draco and a Series of Unfortunate Events
by dragonflybeach
Summary: or, Draco's version of his seventh year, told as a bedtime story to his son. It has nothing to do with Lemony Snickett.


"Once upon a time, there was a beautiful maiden named Luna."

Scorpius giggled. "That's Mummy's name."

"Yes, it is." Draco agreed. "Now, this beautiful maiden was captured by an evil wizard named Voldemort. Voldemort locked Luna in a cold, dark dungeon under a castle. It wasn't even Voldemort's castle, mind you, it belonged to an unfortunate royal family that Voldemort had taken prisoner, and taken over their castle with his evil henchmen."

"What's a henchmen?" Scorpius asked.

"Bad guys. Evil helpers." Draco explained. "Now this royal family had one son, a charming and very handsome prince named Draco."

Scorpius giggled again.

Draco rolled his eyes. "Now most people thought Voldemort had Prince Draco and his family under a spell. Actually, Voldemort told Prince Draco that if Prince Draco didn't do what Voldemort said, he would kill Draco's parents, and told Prince Draco's parents that if they didn't do what Voldemort said, he would kill Prince Draco. Everyone believed Voldemort and was very afraid of him, because they knew he had killed other people before."

"Why wasn't he in Ax-kaban?" Scorpius asked.

"Because he would kill anyone who tried to arrest him." Draco answered. Scorpius looked appropriately frightened. "He was a very, very evil wizard. Anyway, Prince Draco was ordered to take dinner down to Luna and Voldemort's other prisoner every night. Luna realized right away that something was terribly wrong with Prince Draco, because he had lost a lot of weight, his hair was no longer shiny, his eyes didn't sparkle, and he didn't speak to her as he had when they were at school together. He was still of course utterly charming and devastatingly handsome, just slightly less than before. Luna told him that he had a terrible infestation of wrackspurts. He, of course, did not know what wrackspurts were, as there had not been such a thing in his castle before Voldemort came around. She explained that wrackspurts were tiny invisible creatures that fly into your ear and make your brain go all fuzzy. Prince Draco didn't know he had wrackspurts of course, as they had made his brain so fuzzy he didn't know they were there. He thought Luna was just crazy. So Luna would sing to Prince Draco when he brought dinner. Wrackspurts hate music. It didn't matter what kind of day she had. Sometimes Voldemort's henchmen beat her, or tortured her, or sometimes they didn't let Draco bring her food. Still, whenever Draco saw her, no matter what had happened to her, she would sing to him. Little by little, those awful wrackspurts were driven out of his head, so he wasn't so much fuzzy and confused as he was angry. He was angry that Voldemort had captured Prince Draco and his family and taken over their home and was holding Luna and an old man prisoner and being mean to them."

"So Prince Draco saved everybody?" Scorpius asked.

"Who's telling this story?" Draco folded his arms.

"You are, Daddy." Scorpius answered.

"All right then, let me tell it." Draco said. "Now, once most all of those wrackspurts were gone, Luna realized Prince Draco had another problem. Voldemort or his henchmen had also brought nargles to Prince Draco's castle. Nargles are evil little beasts who steal things from humans."

"Did they steal Prince Draco's courage?" Scorpius asked.

"No," Draco shook his head. "Prince Draco was a Slytherin. Those rotten nargles had stolen his cunning and resourcefulness. It was no wonder Prince Draco was so confused, because what is a Slytherin without those things? Fortunately for him, Luna knew what to do. She told him to make a necklace out of butter beer corks, and it would drive away any and all nargles. Unfortunately, once again, Prince Draco had no experience with nargles, so he thought her mad again. Honestly, who ever heard of wearing a necklace of butterbeer corks? She kept telling him, but he didn't listen. Finally one day, he opened a bottle of butter beer, and there was no rubbish bin nearby, so he stuck its cork in his pocket. Just that one cork in his pocket was enough to drive away most of those pesky nargles. Prince Draco was very preoccupied with goings on with Voldemort at that time, so he didn't notice a difference. But two days later, when he came to bring dinner, Luna asked 'Have the nargles gotten to you again?' Prince Draco thought about it, and realized that he had been much better with a cork in his pocket."

"Did he put another cork on his pocket?" Scorpius asked.

"He put a whole handful of corks in his pockets." Draco nodded. "His skills began to come back, and he started to make a plan to get himself, Luna, and his parents away from Voldemort. But before he could put his plan into action, a terrible thing happened."

"He died?" Scorpius asked.

"Not that terrible." Draco shook his head. "Voldemort's henchmen captured Sir Harry and his two friends, a ginger haired nutjob and a big mouthed know it all. Prince Draco knew all of them from school as well, so a henchwoman named Bellatrix asked Prince Draco if it was really Sir Harry. You see, Voldemort hated Sir Harry more than anyone else. There had been a prophecy that said Sir Harry would someday defeat Voldemort, and Voldemort wanted to make sure it didn't happen. Prince Draco told everyone he wasn't sure if it was Sir Harry and his friends, because he thought maybe Sir Harry would help him with his plan, even if he was a rotten tosser with a horribly disfiguring scar. Unfortunately for our handsome prince, Sir Harry was also a Gryffindor with a rather irritating habit of acting before thinking. Sir Harry summoned his pet, Dobby. Dobby had once lived in Draco's family's castle. They thought he was a house elf, but he had turned out to be a wicked miniature troll in disguise. First Dobby stole Luna and Voldemort's other prisoners, as there were three more by now, and took them to a faraway place. Then Dobby took Sir Harry and his two friends, leaving Prince Draco and his family to be punished by Voldemort for letting Sir Harry escape."

"Didn't Sir Harry know Luna was helping Prince Draco?" Scorpius questioned.

"No, he didn't bother to ask." Draco continued. "And once Luna was taken away, there was no way for her to go back to Prince Draco. Voldemort put up protective enchantments so that no one could get in or out without his permission. So Prince Draco waited, and made a new plan.

One day, someone brought news that Sir Harry and his friends had been found, and were headed to their old school. Prince Draco's friend Lord Severus had already told him that Luna had gotten away from those idiots and was hiding at Hogwarts School. Prince Draco realized that he and his family would never be safe unless Voldemort was dead, so he decided to help Sir Harry defeat Voldemort. He hoped that his intelligence and planning ability would counteract Sir Harry's overzealous bravery and thoughtless actions.

Unfortunately again, Voldemort seemed to suspect that Prince Draco and his family might try to turn against him, so he sent two big, ugly ogres to Hogwarts with Prince Draco. Due to Sir Harry being a Gryffindor, he was, of course extremely predictable. Prince Draco and Voldemort's ogres immediately found him going into a room where people hid things they didn't want found, talking about finding a diadem, which is like a crown, which would help them defeat Voldemort. Prince Draco knew Sir Harry would need his help to find this diadem, as Sir Harry could barely locate his own bum with both hands and a Point Me charm. Ginger Boy would have broken it or eaten it. Miss Know It All would have needed to consult a book to find it, and there simply wasn't time for that.

Prince Draco and his ogre tagalongs followed Prince Harry and his friends on their search. Sir Harry, being a bit of a tosser, _quite_ a bit of a tosser, really, took objection to Prince Draco's attempt to help, and Ginger Boy, who has as much sense as a garden slug, started a fight with an equally stupid ogre. One of them managed to start a cursed fire, which spread rapidly and no one could put out.

Unbelievably, Sir Harry located this mysterious diadem amidst fire and destruction, obviously aided by some unknown outside force. One ogre was burned to death, but Prince Draco, disregarding his own personal safety, grabbed one ogre and tried to reach two brooms he saw fifty meters away. Of course, Sir Harry and his two friends grabbed those brooms first and started to fly away to safety. Fortunately, Sir Harry came to his senses and realized they would never defeat Voldemort without Prince Draco's help, so He flew back and saved Prince Draco and one slightly singed ogre.

Once they escaped certain fiery death and used a basilisk fang to destroy Rowena Ravenclaw's diadem which had been cursed by Voldemort, Prince Draco immediately went down to confront Voldemort and his henchmen. Sir Harry and his friends wandered around doing only Merlin knows what for several hours. Prince Draco defeated nearly a dozen of Voldemort's henchmen, and then pretended to still be loyal to Voldemort to infilitrate his army. Sir Harry had to pretend to be dead so Voldemort would be close to him.

Finally, it came down to only Voldemort and his head henchwoman Bellatrix still fighting, and Voldemort's pet giant snake still killing people. Bellatrix was defeated by Ginger Boy's mother, proving that even humans barely evolved above sheep have protective instincts toward their young. Voldemort's snake was killed by Sir Harry's understudy, aptly named Squire Longbottom, probably by accident. Sir Harry, as predicted, killed Voldemort, proving that even a blind squirrel sometimes finds an acorn.

Our fair maiden Luna saw Prince Draco and ran to him, as she was intelligent enough to spot her true hero. Prince Draco realized that Sir Harry could sometimes have good points, not often, mind you, but sometimes, and that Sir Harry could not help that he would never be as handsome, charming, or wealthy as Prince Draco, so he decided to forgive Sir Harry and make friends with him, as poor Sir Harry desperately needed some decent friends. Prince Draco married Luna, making her Princess Luna, and they lived happily ever after with their three little princes."

"And then what happened, Daddy?" Scorpius asked.

"Prince Scorpius went to sleep like his little brothers."

Draco leaned over and kissed his eldest child's head.

"The End."


End file.
